BEFORE CHRIST
I grew up in a Protestant family setting, and at the beginning, church attendance and Sunday School were somehow part of my life. We were not a religious family, so these, as well as family prayer, were not very much emphasized, and, eventually, even churchgoing ceased altogether. The only verse I memorized from childhood, John 3:16, was the closest thing to the gospel that I ever heard.
CONVERSION
In high school, a classmate of mine took time to share the gospel with me. I was told that we were all sinners (Romans 3:23) and are destined for judgment as payment for sin (Romans 6:23), but God loved me and sent Jesus Christ to die in my place. John 3:16 took on a completely different meaning: I understood what it REALLY meant this time, and it all “made sense”. I was told that I should have a personal relationship with Christ and that I should receive Christ by faith. Sometime in September 1989 (I believe it was September 16), I received Christ as Savior and Lord.
I began to attend a local church in Cubao and participated in a Bible study at school. Most of my “barkada” professed Christ, and so we met together for fellowship and study. In college (UP Diliman), I also became part of the ministry of the University Gospel Fellowship, a campus church composed mostly of student members. I was also involved in different Christian organizations in school, and participated in Bible studies, retreats and other activities.
BACKSLIDING
Around 1993, I drifted away from the Lord. I sought to “make my own mark” in the world, and "to be myself." I looked at people, and people disappointed me. My prayer life slowly deteriorated, as did my Bible reading.
I sought belonging, and I thought I would find it in a "brotherhood of men." As a result, I joined a fraternity in college. From that point, whatever semblance of my Christian life rapidly eroded. I smoked 1-2 packs a day, drank until I could barely stand, tried drugs, prostitutes, got involved in violent fights with other fraternities.
At first, I still sort of attended church, but eventually, around the mid-90S, I stopped that too. I became disillusioned with "Christianity" and sought to eradicate whatever marks it may have left in my life. I openly professed atheism and LaVeyan Satanism. I read heavily on the occult and practiced witchcraft. I distanced myself from God as overtly as possible, but there were times when alone, I would remember the Christian song “When God Ran” (based on the story of the Prodigal Son) and I would uncontrollably break down into tears.
The song begins with a description of God’s attributes, His greatness and omnipotence, and that the only time He ever ran …
I grew up in a Protestant family setting, and at the beginning, church attendance and Sunday School were somehow part of my life. We were not a religious family, so these, as well as family prayer, were not very much emphasized, and, eventually, even churchgoing ceased altogether. The only verse I memorized from childhood, John 3:16, was the closest thing to the gospel that I ever heard.
CONVERSION
In high school, a classmate of mine took time to share the gospel with me. I was told that we were all sinners (Romans 3:23) and are destined for judgment as payment for sin (Romans 6:23), but God loved me and sent Jesus Christ to die in my place. John 3:16 took on a completely different meaning: I understood what it REALLY meant this time, and it all “made sense”. I was told that I should have a personal relationship with Christ and that I should receive Christ by faith. Sometime in September 1989 (I believe it was September 16), I received Christ as Savior and Lord.
I began to attend a local church in Cubao and participated in a Bible study at school. Most of my “barkada” professed Christ, and so we met together for fellowship and study. In college (UP Diliman), I also became part of the ministry of the University Gospel Fellowship, a campus church composed mostly of student members. I was also involved in different Christian organizations in school, and participated in Bible studies, retreats and other activities.
BACKSLIDING
Around 1993, I drifted away from the Lord. I sought to “make my own mark” in the world, and "to be myself." I looked at people, and people disappointed me. My prayer life slowly deteriorated, as did my Bible reading.
I sought belonging, and I thought I would find it in a "brotherhood of men." As a result, I joined a fraternity in college. From that point, whatever semblance of my Christian life rapidly eroded. I smoked 1-2 packs a day, drank until I could barely stand, tried drugs, prostitutes, got involved in violent fights with other fraternities.
At first, I still sort of attended church, but eventually, around the mid-90S, I stopped that too. I became disillusioned with "Christianity" and sought to eradicate whatever marks it may have left in my life. I openly professed atheism and LaVeyan Satanism. I read heavily on the occult and practiced witchcraft. I distanced myself from God as overtly as possible, but there were times when alone, I would remember the Christian song “When God Ran” (based on the story of the Prodigal Son) and I would uncontrollably break down into tears.
The song begins with a description of God’s attributes, His greatness and omnipotence, and that the only time He ever ran …
“Was when He ran to me,
Took me in His arms,
Held my head to His chest,
Said, ‘My son's come home again’
Looked in my face
Wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice
He said, ‘Son, Do you know I still love you?’
He caught me my surprise
When God ran”
It spoke of love, forgiveness and unconditional acceptance: in fact, all that I truly longed for in the world. At these times, my heart felt pricked, but most of the time, I felt so very far away: it was as if there was this emptiness in me and I desperately tried to fill it up with just about anything. I did not want to admit that I was wrong in my defiance, that I was mistaken to reject God.
I became an angry, bitter, and proud person. I kept up the facade that I was always "in control', even in the face of contrary facts. I lived a lie, claiming one thing but being another. I pretended that everything was "ok" and bragged about how intelligent I was. I openly boasted that I had no need for God, but deep inside, in my innermost being, I was miserable and inside, I felt empty. The thought of killing myself came often. To console myself, I preoccupied myself with the proverbial “wine, women and song.”
They say that what you are inside eventually comes out - it radiates. I found this true. I was, in the words of an officemate, a "perfect --shole", with a big chip on my shoulder: angry at the world, angry at the God I denied, angry at my family, and above all, angry at myself. I became a violent person. At the slightest provocation, I would not hesitate to lash out at others with tongue or fist - even against my closest friends and relatives.
My world was falling apart, and the things I held on to were eluding my grasp, did not escape me. People I trusted, people I considered my "brothers" failed and betrayed my trust. Still, I clung on, grasping at straws and shards of my so-called life, stubborn in my rebellion. I was a wreck, and I was too proud to admit what deep inside, I knew it.
THE ROAD BACK TO GOD
In 2003, while in Iligan, I met a childhood friend, and renewed our friendship. She became my girlfriend, and, in January 2004, she became my wife.
In April 2004, we moved to Manila and stayed there for a while, looking for employment, to no avail. My wife was eventually forced to go back to her job in Iligan. I stayed in Manila, still looking for a job, virtually penniless save for some cash from my mom and from some well-meaning fraternity brothers. I also attended a Bible study begun by some of our alumni fraternity brothers and I was quite surprised at the changes I saw in their lives.
At this time, I was also jobless and far from my wife. I was miserable and penniless, and in despair, I cried out to God. This was the beginning of my “homecoming”. I started to pray again and read my Bible. I slowly, and a bit inconsistently, started going to church again.
I finally found employment in the Cebu office of PhilHealth, and I reported for work in August 2004. My wife joined me 2 months later. While in Cebu, I tried to "clean up my act" but I kept my smoking habit. I did try to quit in July 2004, but only made it for 3 days. Even my wife gave up hoping that I would quit. I struggled long and hard, and was often disappointed by my dismal failure to quit. I made excuses for smoking, claiming that it "improved my temper, helped me relax, helped me think/work, removed the aftertaste of my food, etc...” The fact that my initial attempt to quit was a dismal failure rankled my mind.
THE MAN IN THE MIRROR
In December 2004, an officemate gave me a copy of “The Man In The Mirror” by Patrick Morley. The book challenged me to examine my life, since “an unexamined life is not worth living” (Plato). This confronted me about my Christianity that my life should be consistent with who I am and what I am in Christ.
I ran out of excuses. I saw that I was, again, starting to live another double-life. At this point, my main struggle was my dependency on nicotine. On the night of January 15, 2005, I made the decision to surrender this struggle to God. I admitted my inability to quit on my own strength, and asked Him to take away the craving. And praise God, He did! I haven’t smoked since then, a remarkable feat, considering that I’ve been smoking since 1993.
With this act, I surrendered my life to my Lord and recommitted myself to Him. I asked God to take control of my life, and to give me the strength to stand for Him, no matter what the consequences may be. I told him that I didn't want to run away again, or make any excuses before Him: I asked him to do what He would with my life. I told Him that I was tired of running away from His stubborn pursuit...
God has been faithful all throughout the years, yes, even in my lowest and worst points.
God, in my experience, is a garbage collector - He sifts through the refuse of human life...broken lives, ruined relationships, bodies wracked by drugs, AIDS, alcohol - no garbage pit is too dirty, too smelly, or to hopeless for Him - and He takes the broken pieces of our lives and repairs them. He is able to change lives - if we let Him. I know that personally: He changed me. He is still changing me. He is still in the business of transforming ruined, broken and seemingly hopeless lives from all walks of life. I have found my peace, my rest, my belonging and my acceptance where they’ve always been right from the start: In Christ alone.
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
I became an angry, bitter, and proud person. I kept up the facade that I was always "in control', even in the face of contrary facts. I lived a lie, claiming one thing but being another. I pretended that everything was "ok" and bragged about how intelligent I was. I openly boasted that I had no need for God, but deep inside, in my innermost being, I was miserable and inside, I felt empty. The thought of killing myself came often. To console myself, I preoccupied myself with the proverbial “wine, women and song.”
They say that what you are inside eventually comes out - it radiates. I found this true. I was, in the words of an officemate, a "perfect --shole", with a big chip on my shoulder: angry at the world, angry at the God I denied, angry at my family, and above all, angry at myself. I became a violent person. At the slightest provocation, I would not hesitate to lash out at others with tongue or fist - even against my closest friends and relatives.
My world was falling apart, and the things I held on to were eluding my grasp, did not escape me. People I trusted, people I considered my "brothers" failed and betrayed my trust. Still, I clung on, grasping at straws and shards of my so-called life, stubborn in my rebellion. I was a wreck, and I was too proud to admit what deep inside, I knew it.
THE ROAD BACK TO GOD
In 2003, while in Iligan, I met a childhood friend, and renewed our friendship. She became my girlfriend, and, in January 2004, she became my wife.
In April 2004, we moved to Manila and stayed there for a while, looking for employment, to no avail. My wife was eventually forced to go back to her job in Iligan. I stayed in Manila, still looking for a job, virtually penniless save for some cash from my mom and from some well-meaning fraternity brothers. I also attended a Bible study begun by some of our alumni fraternity brothers and I was quite surprised at the changes I saw in their lives.
At this time, I was also jobless and far from my wife. I was miserable and penniless, and in despair, I cried out to God. This was the beginning of my “homecoming”. I started to pray again and read my Bible. I slowly, and a bit inconsistently, started going to church again.
I finally found employment in the Cebu office of PhilHealth, and I reported for work in August 2004. My wife joined me 2 months later. While in Cebu, I tried to "clean up my act" but I kept my smoking habit. I did try to quit in July 2004, but only made it for 3 days. Even my wife gave up hoping that I would quit. I struggled long and hard, and was often disappointed by my dismal failure to quit. I made excuses for smoking, claiming that it "improved my temper, helped me relax, helped me think/work, removed the aftertaste of my food, etc...” The fact that my initial attempt to quit was a dismal failure rankled my mind.
THE MAN IN THE MIRROR
In December 2004, an officemate gave me a copy of “The Man In The Mirror” by Patrick Morley. The book challenged me to examine my life, since “an unexamined life is not worth living” (Plato). This confronted me about my Christianity that my life should be consistent with who I am and what I am in Christ.
I ran out of excuses. I saw that I was, again, starting to live another double-life. At this point, my main struggle was my dependency on nicotine. On the night of January 15, 2005, I made the decision to surrender this struggle to God. I admitted my inability to quit on my own strength, and asked Him to take away the craving. And praise God, He did! I haven’t smoked since then, a remarkable feat, considering that I’ve been smoking since 1993.
With this act, I surrendered my life to my Lord and recommitted myself to Him. I asked God to take control of my life, and to give me the strength to stand for Him, no matter what the consequences may be. I told him that I didn't want to run away again, or make any excuses before Him: I asked him to do what He would with my life. I told Him that I was tired of running away from His stubborn pursuit...
God has been faithful all throughout the years, yes, even in my lowest and worst points.
God, in my experience, is a garbage collector - He sifts through the refuse of human life...broken lives, ruined relationships, bodies wracked by drugs, AIDS, alcohol - no garbage pit is too dirty, too smelly, or to hopeless for Him - and He takes the broken pieces of our lives and repairs them. He is able to change lives - if we let Him. I know that personally: He changed me. He is still changing me. He is still in the business of transforming ruined, broken and seemingly hopeless lives from all walks of life. I have found my peace, my rest, my belonging and my acceptance where they’ve always been right from the start: In Christ alone.
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee.
...It isn't about what I could do, but what He has done.
It's not about my promises but about His promises.
It's not about what I see but what He knows.
It's all about HIM....
2 comments:
Your story is very touching. I can relate to some extent. Even at present I'm still searching for that elusive thing that will bring real meaning and purpose to my existence.
Sometimes we have to lose ourselves to find ourselves anew. Not only did you do that, you also found more than you lost.
You may have taken the harder route, but whats important is you found yourself, and your place under the sun. I'm happy for you pre. And let us not forget to be thankful for the blessings that He has generously bestowed on us.
Even though sometimes, we may think that we don't deserve them.
God works in mysterious ways. Let us embrace whatever He has planned for us.
Cheers pre! :-)
manong, can I ask you a question about your testimony privately via email
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